Strained Decisions
by kiuna'yukina
Summary: Athrun’s thoughts on what he has left, what he once had, and what, no matter how much he regrets, he can never have again. Companion piece to 'Learning to Live and Let Go'.


**Consequences Of A Strained Decision**

**Summary:**

Athrun's thoughts on what he has left, what he once had, and what, no matter how much he regrets, he can never have again.

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**Disclaimer: **I own many things, the least of which is Gundam Seed, Seed Destiny, or any of its affiliates.

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Hazy emerald eyes slowly open up to meet the gaze of the vast blue sky.

A hand slowly lifts up from its place under an azure head, as its owner slowly sits himself up on the sand on the shores near an orphanage.

Gazing now towards the vast horizon, a gentle voice reaches his ears.

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_In this quiet night, I'm waiting for you_

_During that time, your smile has faded away_

_Now that a little time has passed,_

_Fond memories start to resurface._

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Knowing it must be the pink-haired songstress' voice floating from inside the orphanage, he glances around his surroundings carefully, and confirms his solitude.

Losing himself once more in his thoughts, his eyes hold a sad expression, an emptiness, of which he never thought he would feel again.

_You've changed.._

_Sometimes, I can't help but think.._

_You're like the old me now.._

_It's ironic.._

_How it seems like we've exchanged roles.._

_I am no longer the silent one; instead you stand in front of us all, talking, though no words are actually spoken. _

_I no longer bask in my solitude; yet now you smile, so emptily, your eyes reflecting the loneliness you refuse to show._

_I no longer wallow in my doubts and fears; but now you are the one who hides behind extravagant lies, never straying from your self-denial._

_I now believe in the future, a bright tomorrow for us all.._

_Now, it seems like you are the one who has no more hope for the future, no concern for what lies ahead.._

_As I watch you now, you're clearly not what you used to be.._

_And as others smile blissfully, for they think you are content, I know otherwise, for I have seen past your defenses, past the façade you have painstakingly put up, and I have seen the truth. _

A voice once again interrupts his thoughts…

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_At the place where stars fall,_

_I'm always wishing for your laughter._

_Even though we're apart now_

_We can meet again, right?_

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…only to have him fall even deeper into his loneliness.

_It pains me to see you like this, yet I know it pains you even more for we both know that I am the cause of all this..._

_I do not know what you are thinking, and often I wonder about that wistful smile you last gave me, and think about why you seemed so lost then.._

_I long to hold you in my arms, to hold you so close to me, to make you feel that all will be alright._

_But I know I no longer have the right to do so, no matter how much I wish I had._

_I made a decision without concern for its inevitable consequences, and no matter how much I regret it now, I know down inside that there is nothing I can do to make up for it._

_I know deep down inside, I only have myself to blame._

_The second war has ended, and peace is finally close at hand. I have achieved what I have fought for, for so long.. _

_Yet.._

_Now you are not the one beside me, no matter how much I wish it was you. _

_Now you are not the one who is always with me, no matter how much I miss to see your smile.._

_Now that **I **am no longer the one protecting you, now that I am no longer the one you lean on for support, Now that I am no longer.. The one you care for so whole-heartedly.. _

_Now that what we once had seems to have faded away…_

_Everything seems to have been for nothing.._

_Victory suddenly feels so.. Empty.._

Lacus' song once again penetrates his senses...

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_From when has my smile faded this much_

_Since it was shattered by one mistake_

_Change only the precious things into light and_

_Go beyond the sky with fortitude._

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...and leaves him even emptier than he was before.

_And unexpectedly, I find I am living a lie on my own as well._

_I live each day as if everything is perfect._

_I go through each task as if everything's alright._

_I smile, I laugh, I pretend to be happy. _

_But I know I am not truly content inside._

_It's quite far from it actually._

_Im breaking inside._

_Im breaking down, and it's all because you're not with me._

_It's all because you're not beside me.._

_And I know I can no longer hope you'll ever be._

_I used to feel so happy.._

_I used to feel so complete.._

_With you beside me, I found I couldn't ask for anything more.._

_But as I made that strained decision, I too sealed my fate._

At this thought, he gives out a pained, reproachful laugh, only to have it mixed with hopeful words from a song...

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_To the place where stars fall,_

_I want my thoughts to reach you._

_I am always by your side_

_Since I will embrace that coldness._

_Even though we're apart now,_

_We will definitely be back together._

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...Hopeful words, that does not soothe at all, his troubled soul.

Standing up, his gaze now rests on the setting sun, the sky now a barrage of orange, pink and lavender.

Looking up, he drowns himself in his incessant musings once more.

_As I went back to defend my homeland, I left my true home unprotected, undefended._

_I won the battle in the eyes of the world, but I lost the war in the heart of the person most important to me._

_I lost her trust, I lost her smile, but what's more, I lost **her.**_

_And only now is it clear what I should have been fighting for._

_Only now has grave realization hit, only now when all is beyond repair._

_Now, I must face the consequences of that strained decision, and no matter how much I do not want to, I know I have to let it go._

_The price I have to pay for my mistakes, I always knew would be expensive, but I never knew it would be this hard._

_I have a choice, this I know, but what other option do I have to take, really?_

_I am once again forced to make another strained decision, and follow orders blindly, only this time, I am not blind, and it is you giving the orders._

He finally stands up, and starts to head back, but he stops and gives the dusk horizon one last fleeting glance.

A final thought crosses his mind, just as the last words of the song are spoken.

_It seems, finally, you have let me go. _

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_Into the quiet night.._

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A single star crosses the now night sky, and as Athrun Zala turns and walks away, he knows he has sealed his fate.

_All that is left, is the shadow of what has once been._

_And can never be._

--------------_End_--------------

**Date Completed: June 9, 2006 5:58 pm**

**Author's Notes:**

Hiya guys!

The ending's not exactly happy right? No worries! This is just a companion piece to 'Learning to Live and Let Go', since someone suggested me to write Athrun's thoughts too. I fully intend to give this a happy ending, thus a sequel to both this and 'Learning to Live and Let Go' is in the works. One more thing, though the melody is quite hopeful, I find the lyrics of Rie Tanaka's _In the Quiet Night _appropriate to Athrun's thoughts here.This piece is basically a reflection of my thoughts towards Athrun's decisions, and the consequences he gains in return. While some may think Im being harsh to Athrun, I feel like Im just laying down the reality of his situation. And we all know, Im sure, that reality _is _brutally harsh.

I sincerely want to thank the people who reviewed:

**_junon2: _**Thank you so much for reviewing.. It's actually thanks to you that I got around to writing this companion piece.

**_phoenix-aerith: _**Yup! As stated above, I'll be writing a sequel. A happy one, I promise. Though seed destiny's closure on Athrun and Cagalli's relationship may be vague, and negative, and I admit I have sort of come to terms with it (as obviously depicted in 'Learning to Live and Let Go', wherein Cagalli looks forward wistfully to a hopeful future, even without Athrun in it), I still am waiting for a happy ending when the OVA comes, or possibly in seed stargazer.

**_Cheryl: _**At the end of seed destiny, as I mentioned, their (Athrun and Cagalli's) relationship has gotten no official closure. Yeah, I hope they will make-up and mend their relationship, since I too believe they belong together. But since there really is no mention of them getting back together in the continuing series, like the millions of Asucaga fans out there, I can wait patiently, hope, and express my own ideas and wishes through my fics. If all else fails though, we can just threaten to kill the story's writers and force them to make a happy ending. heehee (giggles)

**_Cari-akira: _**Yeah, my thoughts exactly. If you're being irrational, then so am I. I sort of have a grudge towards Athrun for what he did in seed destiny (heehee), and no matter what my friend, who ironically is a guy, says, I will not forgive him until he fixes the mess he made. Yup, I blame him for their separation. And that's why I made him suffer in this fic. Blame it on me for being a girl, but even if Cagalli _does_ have some responsibility for their being apart, I choose to vent out my frustration on Athrun, cause after all, if he never left Orb, no separation would have taken place. Just saying, I **will **make Athrun suffer even more in the sequel, but of course, I will give them a well-deserved happy ending. After all, you got to hand it to them, **_they really do belong together._**

Once again, thanks guys! Please review!

_**Love, kiuna'yukina**_


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